Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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