I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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