I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
