Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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