Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
