she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
