Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
