I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
