i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
