And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize