Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Houston, we have a blender
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
