dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize