I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
