My friends, they love my intelligence
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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