Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
