a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
