youre lurking in front of me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
