i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
