Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
