I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize