he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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