If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize