I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
