I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
