How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
