We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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