I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I believe in your delicious
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
