Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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