I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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