I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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