There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The beer is more important than you right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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