these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
