We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
