Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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