somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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