I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
