Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
