Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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