how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
