If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Houston, we have a blender
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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