Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
