nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Floor bacon is actually really good
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
