There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize