drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
