so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
