I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
