Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
