He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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