Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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