I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
