she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
