hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
