someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
