recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
God, I missed his penis.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
