life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
