it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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