The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
